Tag: script

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Return of Jedi Comments and Questions

Jabba the Hutt in the desert.

I watched Return of the Jedi again for the first time in about 20 years. I have some thoughts and questions:

  • If R2-D2, an “R2” unit, goes around telling people that’s his name, does that mean there were only 260 R2 units ever made? From R2-A0 to R2-Z9?
  • I feel like the aliens weren’t given enough thought.
    • How do those bipedal, green-skinned hippo guards survive in Tatooine? Their drool alone would require its own Hoover Dam!
    • What is the natural food source for a very large, immobile sarlacc nested in the middle of a big sand dune?
    • What are the chances of a squid species eventually becoming bipedal?
  • There must have been several hours of conference room meetings about how to portray Jabba’s place as super sleazy, but still retain a PG mpaa rating.
  • How is being threatened to die by digestion over a thousand years a threat when your typical lifespan is <10% of that?
  • R2-D2 was SELLING drinks aboard the sail barge. Jabba is a cheap bastard.
  • Since Jabba is apparently also a sex slave trafficker, and he was killed by choking…did he find it pleasurable? I am not familiar with hutt anatomy and physiology.
  • I believe we saw Jabba’s wife in Episode 1 at the pod races. Where is she in Episode 6? What does she think about Jabba’s bipedal, chained sex slaves?
  • I am not attracted to hutts AT ALL, so why would Jabba be excited by humanoids?
  • Luke is introduced as a jedi knight in the opening title crawl and at Jabba’s palace, but then he talks with Yoda and THEN realizes that he is finally going to be a Jedi Knight after facing Vader? Continuity problem?
  • What real mom is Leia taking about? Another continuity problem, psychology snafu, or Mandela effect?
  • If you ever think the Ewoks are adorable, just remember that they worshiped as a god the 3rd-most annoying character in the Star Wars universe.  (The first goes without saying. I think the second is that Rizzo-the-rat-like creature that pecks out C3PO’s “eye” aboard Jabba’s sail barge.  Wow, Threepio is a pansy.)
  • Ewoks are boring. I am falling asleep.
  • Sorry, no way the emperor survived that.
  • Come to think of it, I am not familiar with the sex anatomy of Ewoks and Wookies. I presume their anatomical textbooks have multiple instances of prefixes beginning with “crypto” and “endo.”
  • The music is the best thing about Star Wars.
  • Bipedal is a fun word.
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optoblog movie short #001: The Air Puff

[scrippet]Title: The Air Puff
Author: David J. Langford
Contact: editor@optoblog.com

Fade in.

INT. – OPTOMETRIST PRE-TEST ROOM – DAY

DR. LANGFORD, an optometrist that smiles like a clown, tosses his clipboard on the adjustable table behind three items of ophthalmic instruments. He lowers the table as JANAE, pretty and wholesome, sits down on the stool on the other side of all the machines.

DR. LANGFORD
So…Jay-Nay? What brings you in for an eye exam today?

JANAE
Juh-Nae. Oh, just a check up.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, then. Let’s start with this machine.

JANAE
Oh, no. Is this that puff of air thing?

DR. LANGFORD
Yeah. This one is not too bad.

JANAE
Really?

DR. LANGFORD
It’s the most gentle non-contact tonometer on the market.

JANAE
‘Kay…

Janae puts her forehead on the rest. The doctor clicks the button. The machine whirs, and we hear a PUFF of air.

JANAE
(high, almost squeal)
Oh!

She sits back and rubs her eye.

DR. LANGFORD
Ready for the next one?

JANAE
I guess…

The machine whirs again then PUFFS. Janae recoils the same way.

JANAE
(rubbing second eye)
I’m glad that’s over with. What does that machine do, anyway?

Dr. Langford tries to repress his wierd smile.

DR. LANGFORD
It checks eye pressure, which is important to know because if it’s outside the normal range, you could have a serious eye condition.

Janae blinks a lot.

JANAE
My eyes feel dry now.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, let’s move on to this machine. It gives me a close idea of any glasses prescription you might need. Chin on the chin wrest.

She puts her head up to the autorefractor. It beeps and then-PUFF!!

JANAE
Ah! Hey! I thought we had already finished the puff of air thing!

DR. LANGFORD
Did that puff at you?

JANAE
Yes!

DR. LANGFORD
Huh, let’s try the other eye then.

She puts her head back to the machine, but the monitors shows that she’s squinting in anticipation.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, for the machine to take the measurement, you’re going to need to open your eye wider.

JANAE
But I don’t want it to puff at me.

DR. LANGFORD
Just a little wider…

Janae’s eye opens just barely more and…PUFF!

JANAE
Ow! It did it again.

DR. LANGFORD
(holding up the print-out)
Well…it printed out these glasses prescription numbers, so it can’t be broken.

JANAE
But it blew air at my eye!

DR. LANGFORD
I’ll have a look at it later. Let’s move on to the last machine in this room.

He holds out a clicker for her to take.

DR. LANGFORD

It’s going to test your peripheral vision. Every time you see a flicker in your side vision, just click on the button. It takes about a minute per eye.

JANAE
Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad…

She takes the clicker from Dr. Langford and puts her forehead up to the machine. She SEES THE FLICKERING SQUARES on the screen.

JANAE
So when I see those dealies I just click?

DR. LANGFORD
Yup, but don’t move your eyes around just look straight ahead. Okay…begin.

She presses the clicker and- PUFF! She sits back.

JANAE
What the…

DR. LANGFORD
Keep clicking!

She gets in the the machine again. She clicks, and…

.MONTAGE OF GETTING PUFFED

PUFF! Janae clicks, puffs, and yelps over and over. Dr. Langford looks on with a sly grin.

INT. – OPTOMETRIST PRE-TEST ROOM – DAY

JANAE
Doctor, every time I clicked on the button, it gave me a puff of air in the eyes!

Dr. Langford looks at his display.

DR. LANGFORD
Oh, you know what? I had it set to the serial tonometry setting. Sometimes it’s helpful to take multiple readings to see what your eye pressure is over time. Oh well, no harm done. Let’s go into the exam room.

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

Janae enters rubbing her eyes and sets her things down. As the doctor enters, she looks in the mirror on the wall to see that her eyes are *bright red*.

JANAE
My eyes are really red!

DR. LANGFORD
Don’t worry, that will go away in a minute. Have a seat on that dentist-looking chair.

JANAE
I hope you’re right.

DR. LANGFORD
Of course I’m right.

He scoots a big Phoropher up to her head.

DR. LANGFORD
Now, which is better? One or two?

We see an eye chart, and switching between one or two, WE DON’T NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE.

JANAE
Um..

Black Screen

SUPER: 20 MINUTES LATER…

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

DR. LANGFORD
And now which is better, one or two? One or two?

JANAE
I don’t…uh..

Dr. Langford pulls the machine away.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, it looks like you don’t need glasses still.

JANAE
All *that* just to find out-

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, one last thing, I’m going to look inside your eyes with my microscope.

He swivels a slit lamp over. It looks kinda’ like those other machines in the pretest room.

JANAE
Doctor, look…I’d rather not do this one.

DR. LANGFORD
Well, I need to look inside your eyes to complete the exam.

JANAE
But couldn’t you do it with something…else?

He pulls out an ophthalmoscope, an innocent-looking flashlight.

DR. LANGFORD
I guess I could use this.

JANAE
Let me see that.

He hands it over. She twists it apart, looks, and reassembles it.

JANAE
Yah, I guess that’s okay.

He takes it back and gets…uncomfortably close to her face.

JANAE
(pushing back)
Whoa, whoa!

DR. LANGFORD
With the ophthalmoscope, I have to get in close. You chose this one. Don’t worry. Nothing touches you.

Janae still has a defiant look of doubt.

DR. LANGFORD
Just a quick thing, and then we’re done.

JANAE
(a look that says don’t cross me)
Real quick.

DR. LANGFORD
Yes.

JANAE
It won’t hurt.

DR. LANGFORD
No.

JANAE
Fine. Get it over with.

He brings the “flashlight” in again, still uncomfortably close.

We SEE ALL THE BRIGHT LIGHTS that she sees.

And then… PUFF! She recoils.

JANAE
That’s it! I’ve had it!

She stands up from the exam chair.

JANAE
I’m not paying for this!

She starts to walk out.

A BLACK SPOT BLINDS her central vision and full view of the doorway.

Janae hits the wall. She holds her forhead.

JANAE
You are sick!

As she exits she has fire in her red, red eyes.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Dr. Langford strolls to his car. As he gets out his keys.. WHACK! A force of nature- a flash, which vaguely looks like Janae, body checks him onto the car. His limp body then slides to the ground.

Janae brings around the car a big air compressor on wheels. She holds open his eyes while pressing the trigger. Air whooshes his hair and then her aim corrects to his eyes.

JANAE
(as she alternates the aim between his eyes)
Which is better now, doctor? One! or Two!

Dr. Langford whimpers, eyes red. Now Janae has the weird smile.

FADE TO BLACK and ROLL CREDITS

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

Dr. Langford gets really close to Janae with an ophthalmoscope…and steals a kiss.

FADE TO BLACK
[/scrippet]

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How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #002

[scrippet]
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY

Our plain-clothes, police action hero, DOYLE, stands in the street, arms outstretched. A 1971 PONTIAC LEMANS screeches to a halt, barely missing him.

Doyle pulls a gun and muzzles the driver.

DOYLE
Get out of the car!

The DRIVER acts like he is about to unbuckle his seat belt, but really he draws a GUN from his appendix holster.

BAM BAM BAM! All three hit Doyle in the chest. Bending down to a knee, Doyle returns fire, but his shots go wide as the LeMans skids out in reverse.

Doyle collapses on the blacktop.

The bad guy Doyle was chasing gets caught later by a smarter, more polite policeman who is still alive.
[/scrippet]

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How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #001

[scrippet]
EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY

KURT RUSSELL and KATHLEEN QUINLAN look blankly at the engine of their Jeep Grand Cherokee.

A TRACKER TRAILER pulls over, kicking up dust in their faces. A seeming normal-looking JOE hops out.

JOE
Looks like yer broken down. Why don’t the missus ride with me in ta town. You, feller, stay here till the tow truck arrives.

KATHLEEN
(to Kurt)
I don’t know…

KURT
That sounds perfect!
(to Kathleen)
I’ll see you later, honey.

They smooch. Joe is already opening the door to the passenger side of the cab. She walks over but questioningly looks back at Kurt.

KURT
Stay safe! I’ll be waiting. Right here.

Joe helps her up. Closes the door and walks around to his side.

JOE
Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.

Kurt waves. The truck pulls out. Two hundred yards later, the truck crosses into the oncoming lane, CRASHES over a speed limit sign, and comes to a rest after glancing a concrete barrier.

EXT. CRASH SITE – CONTINUOUS

Kathleen exits the cab. With an unsteady gate she walks in the middle of the highway. Pupils dilated, she checks both directions frequently. She has BLOOD spatters on her face. She rubs an ear with one hand and holds a REVOLVER with the other. Kurt runs up.

KURT
What the heck happened?

Kathleen stows the gun back in her purse.

KATHLEEN
(shouting)
What?

Kurt leans in to her ear.

KURT
What happened?

Kathleen slows her jitters.

KATHLEEN
Well, he said he was going to rape, torture, and kill me. I said to stop the truck, but then he tried to restrain me, brandishing a knife. So I shot him.

Kurt looks at her and then into the cab. Joe is hunched over. Blood is spattered around the windows.

KURT
Well, we can still drive this rig into town. Do you want to dump the body out or unhitch the trailer?

KATHLEEN
Body.
[/scrippet]

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Brian Regan Performing at Arena February 2014 in Salt Lake City

After my prior post, you might be reading this website to keep up with all things Brian Regan. You will be excited to find out that you can buy tickets to his show in Salt Lake City on Feb. 28, 2014 at Energy Solutions Arena, where the Utah Jazz play.

An e-mail announcing a pre-sale for Regan’s show advertised that this is the first arena venue for a [headlining] comic. Wow, that’s quite an achievement! Here is how I imagine the conversation went between Regan and his manager:

[scrippet]
INT. OFFICE – DAY
BRIAN REGAN, 50s and overweight because he hasn’t woken up to the virtues of the Paleo lifestyle, lays on a couch tossing a football up in the air to himself. His slick MANAGER sits behind a glass desk checking messages on his phone.

MANAGER
Brian, baby! Salt Lake City loves ya’. Should we do twelve shows this year instead of ten?

Brian sits up, missing the catch.

BRIAN
Oh, fetch. There has got to be a way we can take money from the Utahns without having to spend TWO FRIGGIN’ WEEKS there.

MANAGER
Dude, I know.
(beat)
I got it! We’ll do the first arena venue for any comic ever! We’ll get ’em all in ONE NIGHT!

BRIAN
I don’t know. A lot of my comedy involves facial expressions. How are people gonna’ see that from the nose bleed seats at the Delta Center?

Brian pops a Lipitor pill in his mouth because he still hasn’t woken up to the Paleo lifestyle, just like all the other sheeple. Otherwise he would know that big pharma is making almost everything worse whereas a low-carb diet could solve all his problems. In fact, if Brian and his ex-wife had just been on the Paleo diet, its well-being benefits could have saved their marriage.

MANAGER
They call it Energy Solutions Arena now. Some nuclear waste people bought the naming rights a couple years ago. No problem. We’ll just have a camera on you and feed it to the Jumbotron.

BRIAN
Actually, they use a YESCO HD Video Board, not Sony. But if people wanted to see me on a screen, wouldn’t they just watch my DVD’s at home instead of fighting traffic?

MANAGER
Salt Lake has light rail, and Brian, [i]babe[/i], would you rather spend one night in Salt Lake City or two weeks?

Brian picks up a donut from the well-appointed donut box on the coffee table.

BRIAN
Call the Jazz and tell ’em I’m coming.

Brian takes a bite. The Lipitor causes him to swallow funny, so he chokes and coughs up a bolus across the room and onto the glass desk.

MANAGER
Eww.
[/scrippet]

NOTES:
I made a donut and cholesterol theme because I recently listened to Brian Regan being interviewed on the Paul Mecurio podcast, and they talked about it.
Brian Regan’s record setting set of shows in SLC.
Info about the YESCO video display at ESA.
Mark’s Daily Apple regarding diet and mood.
More nutrition and mood info.
Statin drugs are dumb and dangerous.
More cholesterol.

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Napoleon Dynamite Goes to Mutual

We made a movie for a church talent show activity. I think it’s funny.

Make sure you watch past the closing credits for a bonus.

In case you are wondering, I wrote the script in Celtx, filmed with my 9 year old Sony Digital8 camcorder (hence the not-so-great sound), and edited it with Corel Video Studio X2.