How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #002

EXT. CITY STREET – DAY

Our plain-clothes, police action hero, DOYLE, stands in the street, arms outstretched. A 1971 PONTIAC LEMANS screeches to a halt, barely missing him.

Doyle pulls a gun and muzzles the driver.

DOYLE

Get out of the car!

The DRIVER acts like he is about to unbuckle his seat belt, but really he draws a GUN from his appendix holster.

BAM BAM BAM! All three hit Doyle in the chest. Bending down to a knee, Doyle returns fire, but his shots go wide as the LeMans skids out in reverse.

Doyle collapses on the blacktop.

The bad guy Doyle was chasing gets caught later by a smarter, more polite policeman who is still alive.

How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #001

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY

KURT RUSSELL and KATHLEEN QUINLAN look blankly at the engine of their Jeep Grand Cherokee.

A TRACKER TRAILER pulls over, kicking up dust in their faces. A seeming normal-looking JOE hops out.

JOE

Looks like yer broken down. Why don’t the missus ride with me in ta town. You, feller, stay here till the tow truck arrives.

KATHLEEN

(to Kurt)

I don’t know...

KURT

That sounds perfect!

(to Kathleen)

I’ll see you later, honey.

They smooch. Joe is already opening the door to the passenger side of the cab. She walks over but questioningly looks back at Kurt.

KURT

Stay safe! I’ll be waiting. Right here.

Joe helps her up. Closes the door and walks around to his side.

JOE

Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.

Kurt waves. The truck pulls out. Two hundred yards later, the truck crosses into the oncoming lane, CRASHES over a speed limit sign, and comes to a rest after glancing a concrete barrier.

EXT. CRASH SITE – CONTINUOUS

Kathleen exits the cab. With an unsteady gate she walks in the middle of the highway. Pupils dilated, she checks both directions frequently. She has BLOOD spatters on her face. She rubs an ear with one hand and holds a REVOLVER with the other. Kurt runs up.

KURT

What the heck happened?

Kathleen stows the gun back in her purse.

KATHLEEN

(shouting)

What?

Kurt leans in to her ear.

KURT

What happened?

Kathleen slows her jitters.

KATHLEEN

Well, he said he was going to rape, torture, and kill me. I said to stop the truck, but then he tried to restrain me, brandishing a knife. So I shot him.

Kurt looks at her and then into the cab. Joe is hunched over. Blood is spattered around the windows.

KURT

Well, we can still drive this rig into town. Do you want to dump the body out or unhitch the trailer?

KATHLEEN

Body.

Why Does the Post Office Want to Search My Car?

I went to a post office that I don’t normally frequent and was met at the parking lot entrance with this sign:

USPS Can Search You!
USPS Can Search You!

For those of you who can’t see the above picture, the sign says:

VEHICLES AND THEIR
CONTENTS ARE SUBJECT
TO INSPECTION WHEN
ENTERING, LEAVING, OR
WHILE PARKED WITHIN
THIS RESTRICTED AREA.
ENTERING INTO THIS AREA
CONSTITUTES CONSENT TO
THE INSPECTION
(39 C.F.R. PART 232.1(B)(2)

And it’s not like this was some special parking lot out back. This is the front parking lot that everyone who uses the post office would enter. So here is my question: Why? Even if this is entirely legal…why? I don’t think it’s right.

When did this happen? Why didn’t the media get all over this?

When is it going to stop?

Answers to Your Search Questions Part 3

In Answers to Your Search Questions Part 1 and Part 2, I improved by search juice and answered the questions that seem to be on everyone’s mind.

Well, I’ve done it yet again. There seems to be no end to all the inquiring minds out there. Just to review, I know what IP address you have and the URL that was in your address bar just before coming to my website. A search URL contains the search term that you used.

  1. “is Crizal worth the extra expense” – That depends. The original Crizal, Crizal Alize, Crizal Alize’ with ClearGuard, Crizal Avance’ with Scotchgard, or the next one that they come out with 6 months after you buy the one available now.
  2. “satan’s plan” – This search term was by someone from Lagos, Nigeria, Africa. (It directed them to this post.) Lemme splain. In pre-earth life, Jesus wanted us to have the freedom to choose to follow Heavenly Father and obtain Eternal life. Those who don’t obey God’s will and never repent would be lost. Those who disobey (all of us) would need a Savior in order to be worthy enough to enter into God’s presence again. Well, the Son of the Morning didn’t like that. Satan, wanted us all to be forced to choose God and obey His commands so that none of God’s children would be lost. It’s kind of like liberals vs. conservatives when you think about it.
  3. “what scanner should you use with officemate” – If you are going to scan, go big. You will not regret buying a fast document scanner like the Fujitsu 6130. I used to have a slow HP ScanJet N6010. It lasted two years and died. I wasted so much time waiting for files to scan. With my Fujitsu, waiting is a thing of the past. Let’s say you get an EOB that you want to scan into OfficeMate. You pull up the patient’s file, select the eDocuments tab, and then press scan. It will scan duplex, then you hit complete, and you’re done. Fast, fast, fast. Plus mine came with Acrobat 9 Standard.
  4. “nbeo optometry review notes” – I just wanted to bring this up because I’m so glad I’m done with school and boards.
  5. “how to recharge pachmate dgh55” – I’m thinking you should read the owners manual. If you don’t like keeping dead trees around, then scan it into a pdf with your Fujitsu scanner.
  6. “stylish medicaid frames” – NO SUCH THING
  7. “screening acute angle glaucoma with mydriasis with pen light in pcp office” – Yah, so what I think they want to know is before they dilate somebody, what’s the likelihood that they give them an angle closure pressure spike. I believe that should be in the manual for your nifty DigiScope. Someone in Maryland should just refer to their local optometrist.
  8. “best way for optometrist to get FDA job” – I’m pretty sure you can get any government job you want by contributing enough money to the DNC. If you’re not a trust fund child, then I would spend loads of money to attend optometry school, study hard, work hard, graduate, and join the rest of America in the unemployment line.
  9. “optometrists are stupid” – Someone in Alameda, CA was having a bad day.
  10. “crack officemate” – Some web surfer in Indiana needs a crack for Officemate. Let’s see, I’m pretty sure stealing around $6000 for the initial year and ~$1400 per year after that could be considered enough to get you in trouble with the state optometry board. I don’t think it’s worth it. If you can’t afford it, do yourself a favor and try something else. Or, like I’ve said before, if you’re willing to crack expensive, niche software, then why stop there? Robbing banks and pimping can “earn” you boat loads of tax-free money.
  11. “average christmas bonus for optometrist” – Let’s see. Um, try about $0.00
  12. “pronounce similasan” – put the emphasis over the second “i” and then say the rest really fast. sim-IL-uhsahn. Or call their consumer information line, 1-800-240-9780, and they say it on the recorded message.
  13. “Biofinity review” – This is by far the most searched term by people coming to my website from google and yahoo. Seriously, why don’t you just try it for a week or two? If you don’t like it, then try something else! These lenses could work great for you and terrible for someone else- or vice versa. It’s like asking other people if a certain brand or size of orthotic shoe insert works good.

I’m here to help.

Myopia from 1971 to 2004

So the NIH sponsored a study published in Archives of Ophthalmology about myopia prevalence and severity over about 30 years. Bloomberg tries to pin it on texting and web surfing, quoting the lead author of the study for a reference. And why not blame computers since no one used them back in 1971? But it’s funny how the full text of the study doesn’t even mention texting or web surfing.

So…no one thinks that genetics could possibly be a bigger factor than near point stress? People in the 70s didn’t read or something? Isn’t the prevalence of many diseases increasing since our ability to treat them is increasing, like type 1 diabetes? Here’s what struck me from the study:

A review [of the literature] concluded that increasing levels of education combined with possible genetic susceptibility are likely to be responsible for the reported increases in the prevalence of myopia.

Possible genetic susceptibility??? Umm, let’s think about this. The study acknowledges that myopia is easy to treat. No one is being selected against because they can’t see stuff (enemy soldiers, criminals, dangerous obstacles, wild animals) since we correct those who care with glasses, contacts, and LASIK so they don’t get blindsided by those baddies. There is no law or even a social mos stopping these myopic people from hooking up with others of their kind and breeding like rabbits.

There’s no doubt that near point stress contributes to some myopia, but when two myopes marry and have six kids, which plays the more important factor in myopia prevelance from 1970 to 2004? Especially when today you could theoretically not even know your mate has contacts or LASIK until after you’re married. (The glasses they had back in the 70s acted effectively as birth control.)

Identifying modifiable risk factors for myopia could lead to the development of cost-effective interventional strategies.

If people are really out there ringing their hands because they’re so fearful of their kid getting more than 1 diopter of myopia, how come more parents aren’t willing to pay the price for Ortho-K lenses? Even still, the myopic gene is still there.

I’ll tell you what attitude needs changing: that myopia is bad. What’s wrong with it? Sure, if the global warming Stalinists get their way and we return to human populations as they existed in 3000 B.C., then myopia will become a problem for those Post-Algore-and-John-Holdren survivors trying to muck out an existence without modern conveniences like ophthalmic lenses and iPods.

I don’t need an intervention. I can marry whomever I choose and not abort any babies. You can throw away your laptop and iPhone if you want to. You can keep your kids from going to school. You can quit your job and become a prison tower guard (the only career I could think of that has to look far away all day). All I need are my Ciba Night and Day contacts, and I’m good.

Optometrists and Labs Need Encrypted E-mail

E-mail is awesome because you can send notes, pdf’s, and other files quickly and easily- except when you are a doctor. Since any script kiddie can sniff your e-mail inbox, doctors can’t send e-mails of cornea topographies to labs, referrals to colleagues, or special testing results to patients because that would be a breech of patient confidentiality and a violation of that one unnecessary, burdensome law.

I protect patients by encrypting my e-mail!
I protect patients by encrypting my e-mail!
I’m sure George Q. Public doesn’t want his K-readings leaked to the press when he decides to run for President someday.

But seriously, sometimes birth dates and stuff are printed on the reports, so if doctors want to use this cool, new thing called “e-mail,” we’ve got to set-up our e-mails to have the capability to send and receive encrypted messages and attachments. What does it look like?
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So your email inbox gets a message that looks like this. You have an e-mail client plugin that you have set up. You input your password, and the message magically translates to:

Dude, isn’t this so cool that not even the government can tell what I’m writing you? Unless…you forward this message to them unencrypted, but I trust you.

You can see this in action on my practice website. To get started and do this you need a few things:

Your practice’s domain name (usually your web host will offer e-mail storage)
or
any e-mail address that you can access via the e-mail client Thunderbird. (ie POP3 or gmail)

Download the following:

  • GnuPG– the free, open source engine that runs encryption. The Windows version is found at gpg4win.org.
  • Thunderbird– a free, open source e-mail client.
  • Enigmail– a free plugin for Thunderbird that makes it easy to make your encryption keys, share your public key, store other people’s public keys, and encrypt/decrypt e-mails. You should read the install instructions for Enigmail.

Make sure when you generate your encryption key password that it is extra long and random. You must assume that anyone could capture it and try to brute force it. If it is long and random, it would be nearly impossible to crack. I suggest keeping your random, long password in a password wallet.

Why not do it?

Barriers to entry:

  • It doesn’t do any good for you to have e-mail encryption if the person to whom you want to e-mail the top-secret K-readings doesn’t have e-mail encryption set up. They must have a public key that they share.
  • I’ve just presented a free way (unless you have a paid practice URL/webhost) to do this, but it does require some tech savvy to download, install, and implement the tools. This way requires the Thunderbird e-mail client. If you use Outlook or something, there are paid solutions out there.

Why do it?

If every doctor would just get in gear with e-mail encryption keys, we could send patient referrals with high quality color photos and reports instead of low res, black and white faxes (usually with a few vertical black lines on the page). We could send the lab a topography. We could send a patient a report or copy of their Rx. We could talk about the stupid government and how we all secretly agree with Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter.