optoblog movie short #001: The Air Puff

[scrippet]Title: The Air Puff
Author: David J. Langford
Contact: editor@optoblog.com

Fade in.

INT. – OPTOMETRIST PRE-TEST ROOM – DAY

DR. LANGFORD, an optometrist that smiles like a clown, tosses his clipboard on the adjustable table behind three items of ophthalmic instruments. He lowers the table as JANAE, pretty and wholesome, sits down on the stool on the other side of all the machines.

DR. LANGFORD
So…Jay-Nay? What brings you in for an eye exam today?

JANAE
Juh-Nae. Oh, just a check up.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, then. Let’s start with this machine.

JANAE
Oh, no. Is this that puff of air thing?

DR. LANGFORD
Yeah. This one is not too bad.

JANAE
Really?

DR. LANGFORD
It’s the most gentle non-contact tonometer on the market.

JANAE
‘Kay…

Janae puts her forehead on the rest. The doctor clicks the button. The machine whirs, and we hear a PUFF of air.

JANAE
(high, almost squeal)
Oh!

She sits back and rubs her eye.

DR. LANGFORD
Ready for the next one?

JANAE
I guess…

The machine whirs again then PUFFS. Janae recoils the same way.

JANAE
(rubbing second eye)
I’m glad that’s over with. What does that machine do, anyway?

Dr. Langford tries to repress his wierd smile.

DR. LANGFORD
It checks eye pressure, which is important to know because if it’s outside the normal range, you could have a serious eye condition.

Janae blinks a lot.

JANAE
My eyes feel dry now.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, let’s move on to this machine. It gives me a close idea of any glasses prescription you might need. Chin on the chin wrest.

She puts her head up to the autorefractor. It beeps and then-PUFF!!

JANAE
Ah! Hey! I thought we had already finished the puff of air thing!

DR. LANGFORD
Did that puff at you?

JANAE
Yes!

DR. LANGFORD
Huh, let’s try the other eye then.

She puts her head back to the machine, but the monitors shows that she’s squinting in anticipation.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, for the machine to take the measurement, you’re going to need to open your eye wider.

JANAE
But I don’t want it to puff at me.

DR. LANGFORD
Just a little wider…

Janae’s eye opens just barely more and…PUFF!

JANAE
Ow! It did it again.

DR. LANGFORD
(holding up the print-out)
Well…it printed out these glasses prescription numbers, so it can’t be broken.

JANAE
But it blew air at my eye!

DR. LANGFORD
I’ll have a look at it later. Let’s move on to the last machine in this room.

He holds out a clicker for her to take.

DR. LANGFORD

It’s going to test your peripheral vision. Every time you see a flicker in your side vision, just click on the button. It takes about a minute per eye.

JANAE
Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad…

She takes the clicker from Dr. Langford and puts her forehead up to the machine. She SEES THE FLICKERING SQUARES on the screen.

JANAE
So when I see those dealies I just click?

DR. LANGFORD
Yup, but don’t move your eyes around just look straight ahead. Okay…begin.

She presses the clicker and- PUFF! She sits back.

JANAE
What the…

DR. LANGFORD
Keep clicking!

She gets in the the machine again. She clicks, and…

.MONTAGE OF GETTING PUFFED

PUFF! Janae clicks, puffs, and yelps over and over. Dr. Langford looks on with a sly grin.

INT. – OPTOMETRIST PRE-TEST ROOM – DAY

JANAE
Doctor, every time I clicked on the button, it gave me a puff of air in the eyes!

Dr. Langford looks at his display.

DR. LANGFORD
Oh, you know what? I had it set to the serial tonometry setting. Sometimes it’s helpful to take multiple readings to see what your eye pressure is over time. Oh well, no harm done. Let’s go into the exam room.

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

Janae enters rubbing her eyes and sets her things down. As the doctor enters, she looks in the mirror on the wall to see that her eyes are *bright red*.

JANAE
My eyes are really red!

DR. LANGFORD
Don’t worry, that will go away in a minute. Have a seat on that dentist-looking chair.

JANAE
I hope you’re right.

DR. LANGFORD
Of course I’m right.

He scoots a big Phoropher up to her head.

DR. LANGFORD
Now, which is better? One or two?

We see an eye chart, and switching between one or two, WE DON’T NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE.

JANAE
Um..

Black Screen

SUPER: 20 MINUTES LATER…

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

DR. LANGFORD
And now which is better, one or two? One or two?

JANAE
I don’t…uh..

Dr. Langford pulls the machine away.

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, it looks like you don’t need glasses still.

JANAE
All *that* just to find out-

DR. LANGFORD
Okay, one last thing, I’m going to look inside your eyes with my microscope.

He swivels a slit lamp over. It looks kinda’ like those other machines in the pretest room.

JANAE
Doctor, look…I’d rather not do this one.

DR. LANGFORD
Well, I need to look inside your eyes to complete the exam.

JANAE
But couldn’t you do it with something…else?

He pulls out an ophthalmoscope, an innocent-looking flashlight.

DR. LANGFORD
I guess I could use this.

JANAE
Let me see that.

He hands it over. She twists it apart, looks, and reassembles it.

JANAE
Yah, I guess that’s okay.

He takes it back and gets…uncomfortably close to her face.

JANAE
(pushing back)
Whoa, whoa!

DR. LANGFORD
With the ophthalmoscope, I have to get in close. You chose this one. Don’t worry. Nothing touches you.

Janae still has a defiant look of doubt.

DR. LANGFORD
Just a quick thing, and then we’re done.

JANAE
(a look that says don’t cross me)
Real quick.

DR. LANGFORD
Yes.

JANAE
It won’t hurt.

DR. LANGFORD
No.

JANAE
Fine. Get it over with.

He brings the “flashlight” in again, still uncomfortably close.

We SEE ALL THE BRIGHT LIGHTS that she sees.

And then… PUFF! She recoils.

JANAE
That’s it! I’ve had it!

She stands up from the exam chair.

JANAE
I’m not paying for this!

She starts to walk out.

A BLACK SPOT BLINDS her central vision and full view of the doorway.

Janae hits the wall. She holds her forhead.

JANAE
You are sick!

As she exits she has fire in her red, red eyes.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Dr. Langford strolls to his car. As he gets out his keys.. WHACK! A force of nature- a flash, which vaguely looks like Janae, body checks him onto the car. His limp body then slides to the ground.

Janae brings around the car a big air compressor on wheels. She holds open his eyes while pressing the trigger. Air whooshes his hair and then her aim corrects to his eyes.

JANAE
(as she alternates the aim between his eyes)
Which is better now, doctor? One! or Two!

Dr. Langford whimpers, eyes red. Now Janae has the weird smile.

FADE TO BLACK and ROLL CREDITS

INT. OPTOMETRIST EXAM LANE – DAY

Dr. Langford gets really close to Janae with an ophthalmoscope…and steals a kiss.

FADE TO BLACK
[/scrippet]

New Year’s Resolution: Stop Losing It!

Police officer asks man with dilated eye to show contact Rx as proof of recent eye exam. He replies that of course he lost it already.
optoblog comic #27 Stop Losing It!

If it’s the law that I have to give them the Rx, then can it be the law that they have to keep it? Or pay for another one? Or pay to have it faxed or verified by a third party?

I have seen contact lens Rx’s on the black top of the Walmart parking lot. Can’t people at least take it home before throwing it away?

I wouldn’t be so annoyed, but lately lots of people have been asking for copies of their Rx, and every time I feel like asking, “What happened to the one I already gave you?”

I don’t get paid to fill it out the second time, you know.

Introducing Optometry Poetry

which is better one or two now which is better one or two now which...

Optoblog.com revolutionized optometric blogging when it added the cartoon comic feature. Well, I’ve done it again with a new feature: Poetry. This inaugural poetry post features a form of haiku called cirku.

Enjoy! Subscribe to the site feed to stay updated!

LASIK Comic

Should I get my eyes LASERed? That depends...
To LASIK or not to LASIK...

I did this one because someone searched for “LASIK comic,” and I’m sure they were sadly disappointment that I didn’t have one.

Now before you get all over me for not spreading sunshine and lollipops about refractive surgery, let me first clarify that the above comic is comical, I thought. If I was told that my chance of winning the lottery was 99%, then I’d probably play it. If I was told that if I played the lottery that I had a 1% chance of dying then I wouldn’t play it.

I feel bad that I have to explain the resurrection reference, but I must make sure that those of you who never went to Sunday school understand that in the resurrection, our spirit will be reunited with our bodies which will be in a perfect form (our bodies, not us), so any LASIK disaster that plagued our days in mortality won’t bother our resurrected body.

My actual opinion regarding LASIK is pretty main stream. If someone really, really wants it and they have the proper medical prerequisites like cornea thickness, refractive error, good eye health, etc. AND they have a really good understanding of the risks and expectations, then I will recommend them to a good surgeon. Perhaps the surgeon that would do my LASIK if I wanted it.

But I don’t want it. I don’t fit the psychological profile since I’m perfectly happy in Night and Day contacts. I’m also rather wary of my family history since I’ve had three close blood relatives get it and most were left still needing glasses or enhancements.

Doctor Daycare

Kids run AMOK as parent has eye exam.

What is the CPT code for daycare?Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I love kids. I have three young ones myself. I don’t even mind if patients bring their kids with them. We do that all the time. I don’t even mind if the kids are somewhat disruptive, like speaking out of turn, constantly asking questions, or even running around. It’s all good.

I was just speculating on what would happen if the kids where heck-bent on destroying stuff or if the parent decided not to manage inappropriate behavior at all and let them run around the office unsupervised. Then I thought it would be funny to put it in a cartoon. So don’t be upset. It’s comedy.

Bye the way, does anyone know the CPT Code for daycare?