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How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #002

[scrippet]
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY

Our plain-clothes, police action hero, DOYLE, stands in the street, arms outstretched. A 1971 PONTIAC LEMANS screeches to a halt, barely missing him.

Doyle pulls a gun and muzzles the driver.

DOYLE
Get out of the car!

The DRIVER acts like he is about to unbuckle his seat belt, but really he draws a GUN from his appendix holster.

BAM BAM BAM! All three hit Doyle in the chest. Bending down to a knee, Doyle returns fire, but his shots go wide as the LeMans skids out in reverse.

Doyle collapses on the blacktop.

The bad guy Doyle was chasing gets caught later by a smarter, more polite policeman who is still alive.
[/scrippet]

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How Movies Would End if Written by Utahns #001

[scrippet]
EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY

KURT RUSSELL and KATHLEEN QUINLAN look blankly at the engine of their Jeep Grand Cherokee.

A TRACKER TRAILER pulls over, kicking up dust in their faces. A seeming normal-looking JOE hops out.

JOE
Looks like yer broken down. Why don’t the missus ride with me in ta town. You, feller, stay here till the tow truck arrives.

KATHLEEN
(to Kurt)
I don’t know…

KURT
That sounds perfect!
(to Kathleen)
I’ll see you later, honey.

They smooch. Joe is already opening the door to the passenger side of the cab. She walks over but questioningly looks back at Kurt.

KURT
Stay safe! I’ll be waiting. Right here.

Joe helps her up. Closes the door and walks around to his side.

JOE
Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.

Kurt waves. The truck pulls out. Two hundred yards later, the truck crosses into the oncoming lane, CRASHES over a speed limit sign, and comes to a rest after glancing a concrete barrier.

EXT. CRASH SITE – CONTINUOUS

Kathleen exits the cab. With an unsteady gate she walks in the middle of the highway. Pupils dilated, she checks both directions frequently. She has BLOOD spatters on her face. She rubs an ear with one hand and holds a REVOLVER with the other. Kurt runs up.

KURT
What the heck happened?

Kathleen stows the gun back in her purse.

KATHLEEN
(shouting)
What?

Kurt leans in to her ear.

KURT
What happened?

Kathleen slows her jitters.

KATHLEEN
Well, he said he was going to rape, torture, and kill me. I said to stop the truck, but then he tried to restrain me, brandishing a knife. So I shot him.

Kurt looks at her and then into the cab. Joe is hunched over. Blood is spattered around the windows.

KURT
Well, we can still drive this rig into town. Do you want to dump the body out or unhitch the trailer?

KATHLEEN
Body.
[/scrippet]

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Brian Regan Performing at Arena February 2014 in Salt Lake City

After my prior post, you might be reading this website to keep up with all things Brian Regan. You will be excited to find out that you can buy tickets to his show in Salt Lake City on Feb. 28, 2014 at Energy Solutions Arena, where the Utah Jazz play.

An e-mail announcing a pre-sale for Regan’s show advertised that this is the first arena venue for a [headlining] comic. Wow, that’s quite an achievement! Here is how I imagine the conversation went between Regan and his manager:

[scrippet]
INT. OFFICE – DAY
BRIAN REGAN, 50s and overweight because he hasn’t woken up to the virtues of the Paleo lifestyle, lays on a couch tossing a football up in the air to himself. His slick MANAGER sits behind a glass desk checking messages on his phone.

MANAGER
Brian, baby! Salt Lake City loves ya’. Should we do twelve shows this year instead of ten?

Brian sits up, missing the catch.

BRIAN
Oh, fetch. There has got to be a way we can take money from the Utahns without having to spend TWO FRIGGIN’ WEEKS there.

MANAGER
Dude, I know.
(beat)
I got it! We’ll do the first arena venue for any comic ever! We’ll get ’em all in ONE NIGHT!

BRIAN
I don’t know. A lot of my comedy involves facial expressions. How are people gonna’ see that from the nose bleed seats at the Delta Center?

Brian pops a Lipitor pill in his mouth because he still hasn’t woken up to the Paleo lifestyle, just like all the other sheeple. Otherwise he would know that big pharma is making almost everything worse whereas a low-carb diet could solve all his problems. In fact, if Brian and his ex-wife had just been on the Paleo diet, its well-being benefits could have saved their marriage.

MANAGER
They call it Energy Solutions Arena now. Some nuclear waste people bought the naming rights a couple years ago. No problem. We’ll just have a camera on you and feed it to the Jumbotron.

BRIAN
Actually, they use a YESCO HD Video Board, not Sony. But if people wanted to see me on a screen, wouldn’t they just watch my DVD’s at home instead of fighting traffic?

MANAGER
Salt Lake has light rail, and Brian, [i]babe[/i], would you rather spend one night in Salt Lake City or two weeks?

Brian picks up a donut from the well-appointed donut box on the coffee table.

BRIAN
Call the Jazz and tell ’em I’m coming.

Brian takes a bite. The Lipitor causes him to swallow funny, so he chokes and coughs up a bolus across the room and onto the glass desk.

MANAGER
Eww.
[/scrippet]

NOTES:
I made a donut and cholesterol theme because I recently listened to Brian Regan being interviewed on the Paul Mecurio podcast, and they talked about it.
Brian Regan’s record setting set of shows in SLC.
Info about the YESCO video display at ESA.
Mark’s Daily Apple regarding diet and mood.
More nutrition and mood info.
Statin drugs are dumb and dangerous.
More cholesterol.

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New Year’s Resolution: Stop Losing It!

Police officer asks man with dilated eye to show contact Rx as proof of recent eye exam. He replies that of course he lost it already.
optoblog comic #27 Stop Losing It!

If it’s the law that I have to give them the Rx, then can it be the law that they have to keep it? Or pay for another one? Or pay to have it faxed or verified by a third party?

I have seen contact lens Rx’s on the black top of the Walmart parking lot. Can’t people at least take it home before throwing it away?

I wouldn’t be so annoyed, but lately lots of people have been asking for copies of their Rx, and every time I feel like asking, “What happened to the one I already gave you?”

I don’t get paid to fill it out the second time, you know.

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The Real Optometry Seafoam Green

By the way, I have to apologize. I haven’t been using the official optometry seafoam green color in my Optoblog comics.
It has been described at OptViSci. From what I gather, it can be somewhat of a range of color, but I would assume that at least one of the colors on the aaopt.com website are probably the true Optometry Seafoam.
The RGB value I have been using on my first 24 comics has been an easy to remember 150,200,150 (Hex# 96C896). I thought it looked good, but now I’ve found something better: 132,175,148 (Hex# 84AF94).
I think it looks more seafoamy, and now that I’ve written it down, I know where to look if I forget the numbers. Look for comic #25 and onward to have the corrected color.

Which do you think is more seafoam-y?
Which do you think is more seafoam-y?